A lot has happened since the time I last posted, and in true-me fashion, I will allude to those happenings only sparingly, and I will be sure to keep the details sparse. But I guess sharing some of the more general details can't hurt.
I spent my summer in Chicago, right in the heart of it. This was definitely a nice change from the South Bend of two summers ago - which was necessary and a learning experience in and of itself, I realize that - but which was definitely not too much fun. I had a fantastic time at a fantastic firm, and it was great to finally get a paycheck again after a little less than a whole school year of not having any income. Chicago was also fun because I reconnected with my high school buddy M which paved the way for us to have adventures together. Fun stuff. I'll be going back to Chicago for sure after graduation and working at the same firm. They offered, and I accepted, and that's that. I'm really grateful at how that whole thing played out.
It's nice to have something to look forward to after graduation and, more, to like what comes after my last year in school ever.
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I have to say that it feels a little weird to be back in school again. Don't get me wrong - in some ways, I am glad to be back in ND because my ND friends are here. We have different things going for each of us this year, and I'm sure it's going to be a fun last year, if only because South Bend has a movie theater that shows up-to-date movies and also because their company is enough to make otherwise mundane days fun. But in other ways, I feel impatient about being here - after having lived in Chicago for the summer, where you don't need a car and where there are cabs 24/7 (if it's 2 AM and you need a cab, just go to the John Hancock center or the nearest hotel; if it's the weekends though or Friday night, just wave your right hand, and a cab will appear), I again have to contend with non-existent public transportation and all the similar inconveniences of living in Sleepy Hollow. Yeesh. It doesn't help either that I don't see high-rise buildings when I look to the horizon. Well, what can I say? I'm a big city girl who's needs her tall buildings to feel secure.
ND does have a beautiful campus, don't get me wrong. But I guess the beauty of the campus can only carry me so far. And don't even get me started about the icky winter. Or the equally dismal prospects for the football team this year.
Ugh, I'm complaining too much again, I know. Call it PMS on my part, even if I just had my period a week ago. I am pretty angsty right now, and I don't really know why. You know how it is when you just get up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning? Well, that's what I feel happened to me. And that's why you're reading this mopey post.
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My firm shares its building with DDB, an advertising firm. Some days, I'd share the elevator with people in casual clothes, headphones snug around their face and a tall Starbucks cup in their hand. When these people'd get of in the DDB floor, I remember wondering about what they did. Were they copywriters? Art directors? Creative directors? Or were they Account Executives like I was before? It was such a throwback to my Makati days at Saatchi, where I'd go in to work in jeans everyday.
I loved the work that I did this summer, but there were times when I'd find myself wondering about how my life would have been if I had stayed in Manila and stuck with the advertising industry. I would have moved to copywriting, that's for sure. Account Executive work is SO not for me. It's funny that during my despedida, the creative director told me to let him know if I ever wanted to go back there as a copywriter. If I didn't leave, I would have been a copywriter, for sure. I wonder how that would have been like. Would that have been fun and fulfilling for me, because then I could work with words? I love working with words. Would I have been promoted and would I have been maybe Art Director by now? Would a career in screenplay writing then have been more probable?
So many possibilities. I know that this a case of the grass being greener on the other side. The career path I'm embarking on is pretty exciting itself and can't be beat in terms of compensation and perks. But a career in copywriting would have been fun. Going to work in jeans makes stuff fun.
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There are times when I consciously have to remind myself not to think that I am old. I'm really not that old, see. I haven't even hit the quarter-of-a-century mark. But there are times when I feel old and worn. Those are the times when I think of all the possibilities and options that I have foregone by going on in this path. And I guess that would have been the same wherever else I would have ended up, right? When you make a choice, you forego other possibilities. That's the nature of choosing. But there are times when this simple reality bothers me and makes me think twice about what I'm doing right now.
It's not that I regret the choices that I have made. Even if I can't say that independence is something that I really treasured back in Manila, I do value my independence here and the freedom and exhiliration that comes with being able to do anything that I want to do. I love it that I have awesome friends here - both those I've met just by being here and those I knew back in Manila and that I'm reconnecting with because we're in the same country again. And the risk that I took with getting my JD here does seem to be paying off very nicely.
I guess the more definite my life seems to be becoming, the louder the roar of the other things that I still want to do, of alternate career paths or alternate personalities, none of which are really rooted in either my life experiences or credentials. I have to keep telling myself that now is not the time to be passive. Now is the time to make things happen.
I'm reflecting a little on the "successes" that I've had in life so far. They all seem trite and a tad meaningless right now - little victories in constructed spheres. I'm by no means belittling what I've done so far. I guess I'm just thinking that the time has long passed for me to do other things, to shoot for other stars, and walk on other moons. I want to do Something and be Someone. As in for real this time.
You know, I've always valued hard work and discipline. But I'm starting to wonder now whether I really know what it's like to work hard - to put everything on the line and reach for the Unreachable, the Unattainable. Very little has been out of reach for me. What I have wanted badly, I have pretty much gotten. But I guess life has been throwing some curveballs at me lately, closing some opportunities that I would have otherwise wanted to pursue. But rather than spur me to a flurry of action, those curveballs have just made me feel maybe a pang of regret. After a while, I feel nothing. I think I'm too proud sometimes, because when, say, an application for a team is denied to me, my impulse is to say (and to honestly believe this too) that the loss is theirs and not mine.
I need a goal. I need ambition. I need to be challenged. In stuff that matters, okay? A silly challenge is not a challenge but a waste of time. Sigh. Coasting along is fine, but I'd say that it's definitely not the most fun I can have with my clothes on.
2 comments:
congrats camille!!! =)
i liked this post a lot, i guess i identified with bits of it.
Haha, thanks, Len. :) You coming home for Christmas? We should meet up!
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